by S. Carlette Gentle, SC Federation Perpetually Professed
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Have you ever had those days, months or even year/s when you felt like nothing was going right no matter how hard you worked; trying to fix it all? Well I had one of those months recently. It seemed like everything around me was literally falling apart. I was frustrated but I tried to keep it together and keep things in control. I tried to handle it all but my “I can do this” power was running low. The car I use had to go to the mechanic because it was not working. One day turned into two days then, a week, then two weeks, then three. My laptop decided it needed a rest and gave me warning that the battery is about dead. The refrigerator and deep freeze at the convent both stopped working around the same time. The van that I use to transport my clients daily back and forth to their clinic appointments decided to quit on us and the mechanic told us it might take two to three months for the part to get to Belize if they ordered it. In addition to this, our community was planning our General Assembly in India and the visa that I applied for was late in coming and we only had about two weeks before we had to head to India and the visa had not come yet. I needed my visa in order to book my ticket. I tried to stay calm and in control but nothing seemed to be working out right. What made it worst, I was not sleeping at night worrying about what I could do to solve and fix any one of these problems. It finally got to the point where it seemed like I could no longer hold things together. I was tired, I was getting angry, my frustration was “off the wall” and I realized that maybe I am not the super woman I thought I was.
I decided to speak to one of our sisters about all that was happening in my life and, she listened intently and when I was finished she said, “Things are evolving, leave it up to God and get a good night’s sleep.” I thought to myself, evolving? “I need to get these things back to normal.” Anyway, I said, “thanks for the advice” and I tried to sleep that night. Well I could not sleep. I woke up at 4:30 that morning and sat on our porch. I watched as the sun rose while the cool morning breeze surrounded my body and caressed my face. I closed my eyes and savored the moment. After my prayer, I stood up, lifted my hands, raised my head to the sky and said, “Ok God I know I am not in control here. I leave it all up to you, I am letting go.” At that moment, the tension I felt behind my neck and head lifted. My shoulders loosened and it felt relaxed. I breathe in the fresh air of the Caribbean and felt God in the breeze. I could almost feel God saying, “Feel my presence I am here.” After my time with God, I felt like I was going to have a good day. I felt so comforted throughout the day, I thought to myself, “Carlette why do you always try to be in control when you know God is the one in control.” I went about the day saying, “I am not going to stress about anything, God is in control.” And, would you believe it, that day things started to fall into place. With the help of my community, the part for the van was ordered and a sister and her group was coming to Belize two days later so they brought the part needed. The appliance repairperson was able to come in on a weekend to repair both the refrigerator and deep freeze. I finally got a call saying that the car I used was actually ready. I received a call a couple days later saying that my visa arrived. The battery for my laptop was ordered and it was replaced. My ticket to India could be purchased because my visa arrived.
I continue to learn my lesson. Things may not always go my way as I plan them or even on my time. I continue to have faith and hope that God continues to make things evolve on God’s time, which may not necessarily be my time. World events today make me turn to God constantly because I feel helpless to address the needs of so many on every continent. I believe that I need to continue to do all I can to work with others to make a difference, and then go back to the porch and talk with God. I am learning that we cannot do it alone but, with God, all things are possible. I raised my hands to God and I said, “I got it, you are in control.” I continue to remember to do what I can and leave it all in God’s hands.