A few years ago I went to Europe
as a chaperone on a high school trip. We
had an engaging guide who was born in Quebec ,
lived in Belgium ,
and spent his time traveling all over the world. Occasionally the adults would get together
for a meal and a beer, and a little breathing space from the task of
shepherding a really good group of students.
On one of these evenings the guide asked me, “Why did you become a
sister?”
There are moments when we are asked this, and other deep
questions, and the answers truly come from within – the place where the Holy
Spirit prays with inexpressible groanings. I recall that somehow it came out of my mouth
that I was just an average person. There
was a time in my life when I would have struggled against admitting such a thing. My resume is decent enough, and in spite of
my math score on the GRE, my life appears to have been lived in a pretty alert
state of mind over the years. But as
I’ve gotten older it has become clear to me that the American dream of being
spectacular has kind of faded. Such
knowledge roughly corresponded with the realization that I was no longer a
“young adult” and would never be a super-model, the President of the United States ,
or Aung San Suu Kyi.
Still, I admit that for several years after beginning my
career as a sister-teacher in high school, I would have those moments of
despair in which I found myself crying out, “I knew I should’ve been a
super-model!”
Too late for that now…and there was never any genuine
content in the comment anyway – just healthy stress relief. And the students laughed (how dare
they)! If I couldn’t be tall and
beautiful, at least I could be funny!
There must have been a lesson in that for them.
I don’t know when it happened, but at some point I realized,
I’m just never gonna be “all that."
And then I said to the tour guide…
“You know it’s the
community that makes me great.” The
community takes my gifts and asks how they can be used to serve the person of
Christ, and somehow this service is rendered to the glory of God and redounds
back to us as an awesome gift.
I wish I could find just the right words to answer that
question young people have – “how did you know
?” Right off the top of my head –
which is not exactly the space of the Holy Spirit, but is a form of groaning –
I’d say, “I didn’t.”
But I’ve had some time, and some great teachers and
materials here at Boston
College to think about
that question. The word “risk” comes up
a lot now that the Church is breathing the air of Pope Francis (don’t laugh – I
know he only has one lung, but it seems like he breathes deeply with what he
has). Last week as I walked from the
library to class I was pondering something I’d been reading and thought with
some sadness, “when have I ever taken a risk?
a real risk? WHEN?
WHEN?” And then the argument in
my head continued with, “well I entered religious life, and that was a risk, wasn’t it? It felt like it was at the
time, didn’t it?” And then it occurred to me that this kind of
existential anguish is exactly what God has in mind when we take a risk in Him.
I’m not supposed to feel proud
that I took a risk. What I’m supposed to
feel is awe-inspired that something so hard at the time has so greatly enriched
my life, and hopefully, God willing, the lives of others. God wants us to be grateful. When the Holy Spirit teaches us in an
interior way that we never really “merit” the grace we’ve received, that it’s
all free gift, then we can say that
those risks were all His – but gosh, weren’t they awfully exciting, and scary,
and wonderful, and fresh? And didn’t
they seem to require such vigor from us?
And can’t we keep right on taking them now that we know ?